Just Getting Started

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom. 
 - Larry David

I keep thinking about something Larry David shares in the special features of one of the Seinfeld dvds. (It's been a while, but I have watched them all... with the commentary on.) He explains the paralysis he experienced after writing every episode, wondering if he'd be able to do it again, to at least meet the standard set for himself by attaining a certain level if not aspiring to greater achievement. I know, it sounds miserable, and a little bit high strung in typical Larry David fashion. Yet I find myself stuck in a similar mindset more often than I'd like- paralyzed with fear and doubt, questioning my ability, my creativity, even the value of my calling as an artist. It's why the most difficult part of a project for me is getting started, always. I doubt my success before I even begin. I worry I won't be able to do it again, or that I'll experience some sort of regression instead of progression in my work, even though I know there is no such thing as regression in the creative process, that every step, stumbly though it may be, is moving me forward. Is there any redeeming quality in this sort of thinking? Some sort of adrenaline? Maybe. But, I really don't think there's any freedom in this fear, which is problematic because freedom is an essential ingredient in creativity.

So, step one: admission. Now what? How do I control this type of thinking? What am I even trying to prove, and to whom? I know my best work comes from within me, with no ulterior motive of trying to please someone else's aesthetic- I've learned the hard way. And, yes, I truly believe that work, sub par as it may be, has moved me forward in my creative journey. I also know what that moment feels like, when all is right in the world, when I am moving and creating from someplace bigger than myself, that moment that escapes as soon as I try to grab hold of it. I've never experienced that moment when consumed with living up to some standard, even if self imposed. The two cannot coexist. The good news however, if I can just get started, that moment will likely come again. I think that's really what my work is about- not the outcome, certainly not the money, but that elusive beauty of participating in the creative process, which I'm a full believer in. So, struggling with fear and working through doubts, often just stumbling along, I find there is redemption in my work as an artist. If only I could remember this every time I'm coming up with thousands of things to do instead of just getting started.